Hogwart's Food Fight
by That Person You Wanna Punch
Summary: CRACK FIC. Harry and the gang face off against the Death Dealers in an epic food fight battle. SO VERY MUCH CRACK INSIDE!


**Hogwart's Food Fight**

**Written by: That Person You Wanna Punch**

**Warning:**

Crack fic. Don't expect any of this to make sense. Just like I don't expect this to get any reviews XD But if this story does, hooray! :D

**Don't own Harry Potter or its characters. That all belongs to JK Rowling. **

It was lunchtime at Hogwarts. All the Slytherins were sitting at their table, Ravenclaws at theirs, Hufflepuffs at theirs, and Gryffindors at theirs. At the Gryffindor table sat the famous Harry Potter and his two best friends Ron Weasely and Hermione Granger. "Stop poking your steak Harry, just get a steak knife and cut it!" Hermione exclaimed.

"I have every right to poke my steak because I'm Harry Potter, and without me you'd all be NOTHING," Harry replied, continuing to poke his steak.

Ron giggled, much like a little girl would giggle when she'd play with her Barbie dolls. "Don't look now Harry, but Draco is totally looking your way with that hateful glare again," the orange hair boy said.

Harry turned around and looked over at the Slytherin table. There he saw Draco stare at him. Draco picked up a potato, pointed at Harry and then squeezed the potato to death. "That's you!" he mouthed.

"Blimey Harry, I said don't look!" Ron exclaimed.

"I have every right to look because I'm Harry Potter, and without me you'd all be NOTHING," Harry said once again. "Draco just squeezed a potato and said 'that's you'. What do you suppose that means?"

"He obviously meant that you're the potato and he was trying to kill you," Hermione answered.

"No way! He initiated a food fight war!" Ron objected.

"Preposterous," Hermione disregarded.

"No Harry, it's true, when someone squeezes a potato in their hands at lunchtime that means they've initiated a food fight war," Ron explained.

"Then if it's a war Malfoy wants it's a war he'll get," Harry hissed. He reached across the table and grabbed Hermione's corn bread.

"Harry! I was going to eat that! Don't throw it!" Hermione exclaimed.

"I have every right to throw your cornbread because I'm Harry Potter, and without me you'd all be NOTHING." Harry chucked the cornbread. It flew through the air and—

_**Smack!**_

Smacked right into Draco's face! "Potter! This means war!" he screamed.

"Bring it Malfoy!" Harry screamed back. Draco then threw baked beans in his glasses. Ron threw creamed corn in Goyle's hair. And Hermione finally found more cornbread, until Harry snatched it again and threw it at Crabbe's esophagus.

Luna Lovegood stood up from her seat. "FOOD FIGHT!" The Ravenclaw student then proceeded to topple Neville Longbottom with creamed spinach. Neville cried because of his allergies to creamed spinach, but Luna was merciless as she smeared it on the boy's face.

Harry started running on table tops, grabbing apples and roast beef to throw at Draco. Crabbe and Goyle were too distracted by Ron and Hermione to back up Draco and the Malfoy boy was left helpless against Harry's balls… butter balls that is.

Suddenly Draco was flung across the room, the butter balls hitting him too hard. The Slytherin boy coughed up blood and wheezed, "You'll never get away with this Potter."

Harry laughed maniacally, much like a boy would laugh when he ripped the heads off his sister's Barbie dolls. "What are you going to do about it Malfoy? You can't kill me! It's because of me that you even exist."

"Never… underestimate… my power," Draco said dramatically.

_Crash!_

Bursting through the door with a giant sound, everyone turned their head and gasped—it was Voldemort and the Death Dealers! "We have come to finish this food fight war!" Voldemort said evilly. He then spotted Harry. "Ah… Harry… the boy who threw his food as a baby."

"I'll kill you!" Harry screamed.

"Aha ha! Did you know that when I killed your parents Lily was trying to feed you stringed bananas? And do you know what do did with those stringed bananas? You… threw them at her face!"

"NO! YOU'RE LYING!" Harry screamed.

"I TELL NO LIES! YOU THREW THE STRINGED BANANAS AT HER FACE, SHE WAS MOMENTARILY BLINDED, AND THAT'S WHEN I KILLED HER!" Voldemort laughed. "What will you do now, Potter?"

"He will fight!" said a new voice. Everyone turned. "Dumbledore!" Hermione shrieked.

"Dunk him in salami my lord, dunk him in salami!" Bellatrix laughed, lightly smacking Voldemort's shoulders.

"LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!" Voldemort declared.

Battle stations were taken. It was the Death Dealers and Slytherin against the other three houses and Dumbledore's army. "Alright, we've got ham, chicken legs, baked beans, cornbread, and jello! We can win this!" Harry said to his army.

"But Harry I'm starving and the cornbread looks really—"

"Shut up Hermione! If you eat that cornbread it will go straight to your thighs and then you'll get so fat you'll need two broomsticks. Alright! Fight!"

So began the fight. Provolone cheese was thrown at Ginny, baked beans was dunked upon Bellatrix, kung pow chicken was splurged on Hermione, Luna continued to shove creamed spinach down a crying Neville's throat while ignoring his desperate pleas, Ron nearly drowned in a pool of jello, and Dumbledore was unfortunately defeated by falling out a window. You see he slipped on a stick of butter and then fell backwards, but no worries it was just as dramatic in the movies. He still died n' stuff.

Well anyway, it all came down to Harry Potter and Voldemort. They both stood on opposite sides of the long Slytherin table, both of their food items behind their back. They slowly walked towards each other all dramatic and such. They looked at each other like the did on the poster of the Deathly Hallows Part 2 poster where it says 'it all ends'. Yeah, they did just that.

Behind Harry's back was one single brussle sprout. One sprout to save the world…

"It all ends Potter," Voldemort said.

"I know," he replied.

"Do you know what's behind my back?"

"No."

"It's… stringed bananas Harry."

"NO!"

"Yes Harry! The very bananas you blinded your mother with!"

"NO!"

And then Harry threw his brussle sprout right as Voldemort threw the stringed bananas— and then Voldemort fell down dead. The brussle sprout went into his nose. Oh wait… he doesn't have a nose. Well somehow he still died.

Harry cheered in victory! Everyone lifted him up on their shoulders and carried him out of the cafeteria and outside the school. Life was good, until one day a very sad Neville tripped over Dumbledore's forgotten body. Then everyone was sad. Until Ginny won the lottery. Then everyone was happy. Until Ginny moved to Africa and didn't share. Then everyone was sad.

**END. **

**Yeah that was one hell of a fic. I don't expect reviews. LOL LOVE THE CRACK THOUGH! ;D**


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